Last year, I flew from JFK to Syracuse, NY once a month to visit Brad, my boyfriend. No spot in all of New York City felt as cozy as the corner booth of Deep Blue Sushi in the Jet Blue terminal those Friday nights waiting for the 10:55pm flight to see my love. Our routine: I called the moment I found my seat on the plane and he always said, "I love you." Aside from the snowy nights, I never feared this 45 minute flight. The hum of the plane would slip me into a savasana as I allowed the remnants of the anxious city to drip out my fingertips. A long, steady breath guided me through my cloudy mind into the present.

In contrast, the two part flight to Guatemala for the Reflections Yoga Teacher Training felt entirely unsettling. Brad wouldn't be waiting on the other side with a beer and a kiss. My one month abroad would be the longest separation since our first date two and a half years earlier. It was a tearful goodbye. Per our routine, he said, "I love you." Brad supported my trip, my journey, with unwavering sincerity. However, as I spun on my heel and charged towards security check, an unknown whirlwind of fear tousled my hair and aroused goose bumps all over my body, "Will he be waiting when I return?" "Keep walking," I encouraged my physical self, "just keep walking."

Two weeks into the trip, my body came alive! My heart floated on a lake of acceptance, curiosity and gratitude. Expensive international cell phones made communication very difficult. Instead, I wrote Brad love letters in my journal: ÒI am moving into such a space of freedom and I want you to be right there with meÉ.Your face, smile, smell, body, love is always in my mind and my heart. I'm so excited to wake up next to you every day. Kiss, J.

He never heard those letters because the little communication we shared suddenly became stiff, uneasy and disconnected. He didn't say much and I imagined the worst: another girl lying next to him in bed. Tears soaked his worn cotton T I used as my pillow case. We had planned to move in together a few months after I returned and he was destroying the plan! At nights when the protective volcanic thunder and a blanket of cricket songs lulled me to sleep, the thought of him switched my mind back on and the fear came roaring...

The last night on the lake, I sent him a text message: "I love you." He responded but didn't say it. I was broken.

The Aftershock

I didn't call when I landed or the next day. Guatemala felt like a dream. How could I be back in my world without Brad? I had no idea how to speak to him. Without my voice and my affection everyday, his festering mind dove into the future. He described visions of life in fast forward: we move in together, we get married, we fight and divorce--both failures. He was backing away from me into the shadow of these ominous visions. But our history and the intensity of our feelings before I left made the break-up process neither smooth nor definitive. He asked for space, claiming he still loved me and just wanted to replace the fighting and crying with normal conversation--wanting to remind himself of my voice, availability and presence in his life. These requests and his uncertainty about our relationship exhausted me like the last few vinyasas of class, when the body aches, shakes and fatigues.

Surrender in Child's Pose

I hunched over emotionally into a child's pose as the four walls of anger, fear, sadness and confusion closed in on me. Tears flooded my face. In that dark, lonely and fearful mind, I called to my yoga, ÒPlease lead me out of this maze of thoughts and back to my heart!Ó Do I stay or do I go? Before Guatemala, Brad was my happiness because none lived independently within me. Then, on the banks of the great lake, the fear of being alone and unhappy faded into a different, truer love for him. My heart answered and there, in my pool of tears, he appeared. My higher consciousness allowed him--wanted him--to be there with me in the darkness.

Strength in Plank Pose

With a renewed intention to follow my heart, I pushed the walls of anger, fear, sadness and confusion away pressing up into a fortified plank pose, allowing the space between the floor and my heart to support the pose. I felt stronger for offering Brad the space he needed and filling it with love. After many weeks he finally made a choice and asked me to join him on the journey of a stronger, loving relationship. My mind's pride objected, ÒHe abandoned you while you were in a foreign country just because he got scared!Ó Drawing from Guatemala's lake of acceptance and gratitude, my heart instantly responded with compassion for Brad.

The Yogi's Choice

In the room of my consciousness, the four walls inched away from me. From the longest plank pose, I looked down into the floor, into Brad's eyes, vibrating between the words I dreamed he finally would say and made a choice: 1. A prideful chaturanga, rejecting Brad 2. A complete release to the floor, surrendering my heart to it and him 3. 8 point pose

If I allowed my mind's pride to steer me away from love, I would be the same as Brad, succumbing to the fear of being hurt once again. My mind's pride used to force my body into chaturanga and upward facing dog through the very last vinyasa of every class without exception. As a result, my tired chaturanga would fall below the healthy 90 degree angle of my arms, letting my shoulders flop too far forward and consequently I would approach the sky with a closed heart and strained neck in upward facing dog. Similarly, my worries, pride and fear were leading me away from Brad and into a close-hearted space.

I opted for a metaphorical modification, 8-point pose. I gave him my knees for support to break through the fear, my chin as an offering to listen and talk with him, and my chest to let him back into my heart the right way. However, in keeping my tailbone lifted, navel drawn into the spine and the shoulders open and back, I balanced those offerings with personal preservation and care. I could keep my yogi integrity intact and move into a completely open hearted cobra whatever the outcome of our relationship.

We move in together June 1st. However, we try our best to stay present in the space between now and then. Fear lives in the mind. Love lives in the present. Let yoga be your greatest love and share this intense, romantic, unconditional love with the people in your life!

>

>>> >Last year, I flew from JFK to Syracuse, NY once a month to visit Brad, my >>> >boyfriend. No spot in all of New York City felt as cozy as the corner >>> >booth of Deep Blue Sushi in the Jet Blue terminal those Friday nights >>> >waiting for the 10:55pm flight to see my love. Our routine: I called the >>> >moment I found my seat on the plane and he always said, "I love you." Aside >>> >from the snowy nights, I never feared this 45 minute flight. The hum of the >>> >plane would slip me into a savasana as I allowed the remnants of the anxious >>> >city to drip out my fingertips. A long, steady breath guided me through my >>> >cloudy mind into the present. >>> >

>>> >In contrast, the two part flight to Guatemala for the Reflections Yoga >>> >Teacher Training felt entirely unsettling. Brad wouldn't be waiting on the >>> >other side with a beer and a kiss. My one month abroad would be the longest >>> >separation since our first date two and a half years earlier. It was a >>> >tearful goodbye. Per our routine, he said, "I love you." Brad supported >>> >my trip, my journey, with unwavering sincerity. However, as I spun on my >>> >heel and charged towards security check, an unknown whirlwind of fear >>> >tousled my hair and aroused goose bumps all over my body, "Will he be >>> >waiting when I return?" "Keep walking," I encouraged my physical self, >>> >"just keep walking." >>> >

>>> >Two weeks into the trip, my body came alive! My heart floated on a lake of >>> >acceptance, curiosity and gratitude. Expensive international cell phones >>> >made communication very difficult. Instead, I wrote Brad love letters in my >>> >journal: ÒI am moving into such a space of freedom and I want you to be >>> >right there with meÉ.Your face, smile, smell, body, love is always in my >>> >mind and my heart. I'm so excited to wake up next to you every day. Kiss, >>> >J. >>> >

>>> >He never heard those letters because the little communication we shared >>> >suddenly became stiff, uneasy and disconnected. He didn't say much and I >>> >imagined the worst: another girl lying next to him in bed. Tears soaked >>> >his worn cotton T I used as my pillow case. We had planned to move in >>> >together a few months after I returned and he was destroying the plan! At >>> >nights when the protective volcanic thunder and a blanket of cricket songs >>> >lulled me to sleep, the thought of him switched my mind back on and the fear >>> >came roaring... >>> >

>>> >The last night on the lake, I sent him a text message: "I love you." He >>> >responded but didn't say it. I was broken. >>> >

>>> >The Aftershock >>> >

>>> >I didn't call when I landed or the next day. Guatemala felt like a dream. >>> >How could I be back in my world without Brad? I had no idea how to speak to >>> >him. >>> >Without my voice and my affection everyday, his festering mind dove into the >>> >future. He described visions of life in fast forward: we move in together, >>> >we get married, we fight and divorce--both failures. He was backing away >>> >from me into the shadow of these ominous visions. But our history and the >>> >intensity of our feelings before I left made the break-up process neither >>> >smooth nor definitive. He asked for space, claiming he still loved me and >>> >just wanted to replace the fighting and crying with normal >>> >conversation--wanting to remind himself of my voice, availability and >>> >presence in his life. These requests and his uncertainty about our >>> >relationship exhausted me like the last few vinyasas of class, when the body >>> >aches, shakes and fatigues. >>> >

>>> >Surrender in Child's Pose >>> >

>>> >I hunched over emotionally into a child's pose as the four walls of anger, >>> >fear, sadness and confusion closed in on me. Tears flooded my face. In >>> >that dark, lonely and fearful mind, I called to my yoga, ÒPlease lead me out >>> >of this maze of thoughts and back to my heart!Ó Do I stay or do I go? >>> >Before Guatemala, Brad was my happiness because none lived independently >>> >within me. Then, on the banks of the great lake, the fear of being alone >>> >and unhappy faded into a different, truer love for him. My heart answered >>> >and there, in my pool of tears, he appeared. My higher consciousness >>> >allowed him--wanted him--to be there with me in the darkness. >>> >

>>> >Strength in Plank Pose >>> >

>>> >With a renewed intention to follow my heart, I pushed the walls of anger, >>> >fear, sadness and confusion away pressing up into a fortified plank pose, >>> >allowing the space between the floor and my heart to support the pose. I >>> >felt stronger for offering Brad the space he needed and filling it with >>> >love. After many weeks he finally made a choice and asked me to join him >>> >on the journey of a stronger, loving relationship. My mind's pride >>> >objected, ÒHe abandoned you while you were in a foreign country just because >>> >he got scared!Ó Drawing from Guatemala's lake of acceptance and gratitude, >>> >my heart instantly responded with compassion for Brad. >>> >

>>> >The Yogi's Choice >>> >

>>> >In the room of my consciousness, the four walls inched away from me. From >>> >the longest plank pose, I looked down into the floor, into Brad's eyes, >>> >vibrating between the words I dreamed he finally would say and made a >>> >choice: >>> >1. A prideful chaturanga, rejecting Brad >>> >2. A complete release to the floor, surrendering my heart to it and him >>> >3. 8 point pose >>> >

>>> >If I allowed my mind's pride to steer me away from love, I would be the same >>> >as Brad, succumbing to the fear of being hurt once again. My mind's pride >>> >used to force my body into chaturanga and upward facing dog through the very >>> >last vinyasa of every class without exception. As a result, my tired >>> >chaturanga would fall below the healthy 90 degree angle of my arms, letting >>> >my shoulders flop too far forward and consequently I would approach the sky >>> >with a closed heart and strained neck in upward facing dog. Similarly, my >>> >worries, pride and fear were leading me away from Brad and into a >>> >close-hearted space. >>> >

>>> >I opted for a metaphorical modification, 8-point pose. I gave him my knees >>> >for support to break through the fear, my chin as an offering to listen and >>> >talk with him, and my chest to let him back into my heart the right way. >>> >However, in keeping my tailbone lifted, navel drawn into the spine and the >>> >shoulders open and back, I balanced those offerings with personal >>> >preservation and care. I could keep my yogi integrity intact and move into >>> >a completely open hearted cobra whatever the outcome of our relationship. >>> >

>>> >We move in together June 1st. However, we try our best to stay present in >>> >the space between now and then. Fear lives in the mind. Love lives in the >>> >present. Let yoga be your greatest love and share this intense, romantic, >>> >unconditional love with the people in your life! >>> > >>> > >>> >
>>> >
>>> > >>> > >>> >